The Divinely Inspired Crossover!
by Desdemona
Summary: An FFVII/Princess Bride crossover. Enjoy!
1. The Bride

A/N: I promised I'd write a crossover. It's a combination of FFVII and my all-time favorite book/movie, The Princess Bride. A brief list of characters and places that will be equivalent:  
  
Westley = Cloud  
Buttercup = Aeris  
Prince Humperdink = Rufus  
King Lotharon = Pres. Shinra  
Queen Bella = Scarlet  
Vizzini = Palmer  
Inigo = Tifa  
Fezzik = Fezzik  
Dread Pirate Roberts = Barret  
Miracle Max = Cid  
Valerie = Shera  
Yellin = Tseng  
Count Rugen = Sephiroth  
The Albino = The Albino  
Roight. On to the story!  
  
Aeris was raised in the slums of Midgar. Her only past-times where tending her flowers and rescuing young men who fell through the roof of her church. Well, young man actually. His name was Cloud, but she never called him that. "Ex-SOLDIER" was all she ever called him, and all he ever responded with was "As you wish." So she was surprised to learn that when he was saying "As you wish," what he meant was "I love you."  
  
Even more surprising was the day she learned that she truly loved him back. However, Cloud had no money for marriage and so he left for Costa Del Sol to make his fortune. It was a very emotional time for Aeris.  
  
"I fear I'll never see you again," she sobbed into his shoulder.  
  
"Of course you will, of course you will," he replied, kissing her forehead.  
  
"But how can you be sure?"  
  
He lifted her face gently. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?"  
  
A week later, she recieved the news that Cloud had been killed by the Dread AVALANCHE leader Roberts. For days she neither slept nor ate. She swore to herself that she would never love again.  
  
  
  
Three years later, Midgar's main column was surrounded as never before, to hear their Prince's announcement.  
  
Prince Rufus appeared at a window. "My people, a month from now our city shall build a new sector. On the sundown of the beginning of construction, I will take for my a bride a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. Would You like to meet her?" The crowd roared an affirmative. "I present to you--the Cetra, Aeris!"  
  
Aeris's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Rufus the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.  
  
A/N: That's all for now. Love ya, will continue it very soon. - Desdemona 


	2. The Kidnapping

A/N: Sorry part one was so short. Sorry this took so long to get out. This should encompass most of the actual plot line. 

Aeris's only joy was her daily Chocobo rides to find new and unusual plants. One day, she had dismounted and was rummaging through the undergrowth that grew right on the edge of Midgar, when three very odd figures approached her. 

The smallest of the three spoke. He was very fat and balding, and he bounced nervously on his heels. "Hey-hey! We're lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby where we can stay?" The other two, an attractive young woman and the biggest human being Aeris had ever seen, remained silent. 

"There is no one around, not for miles," replied Aeris, gesturing behind her to the vast expanse of wasteland. 

"Hey-hey! Then there will be no one to hear you scream," said the fat old man, and the woman reached out and touched a few spots on her neck, instantly rendering her unconscious. 

Aeris awoke to the sound of a whirring motor. She was on an airship. The fat old man was pestering the young woman, who was at the controls. "Faster, Tifa! We have to reach the Golden Saucer by dawn if we want the Prince to find her dead body when he arrives." 

The woman called Tifa ignored him. "Shut up, Palmer. Fezzik, see if the girl is awake." 

The giant poked her gently in the stomach, and ticklish Aeris sat up straight. "Okay, okay, I'm up. What's all this about killing me?" 

"How did you know we were talking about you?" asked Palmer, astonished. 

Aeris tossed her ponytail. "Come on. I may be dim, but this whole crossover's about me. And you're obviously not killing _her_"she gestured to Tifa "so that leaves me. Now why am I dying?" 

Palmer bounced up and down nervously. "Hey-hey! Maybe I was lying, maybe we're not _really_ going to kill you..." 

Tifa kicked him in the shins. "Shut up, Palmer. I'm sorry, kid, but we've got our orders." 

Fezzik spoke up. "Borders." He pointed to the ring of land visable from the ariship's deck, far off in the distance. Tifa nodded, turned the controls over to Palmer. She glanced behind her. 

"Hey, Palmer? You sure no one's following us?" 

"Of course they aren't. Before I stole this airship, I asked around as to what was Shinra's fastest ship and everyone agreed it was this one. Why do you ask?" 

"Well, I just happened to look back, and something is there," she replied, trying to sound nonchalant. 

Palmer squinted into the darkness. "Hey-hey! So there is." Aeris looked, too. She could see another airship in the distance, and a figure dressed in black standing on the deck. She shivered. For some reason, the lone, mysterious figure frightened her more than the three she was with, who were admittedly planning her death. 

The sun was rising a few hours later when Aeris noticed they were beginning their descent. Tifa was fiddling with the controls, bringing them gradually into the center of a desert and simultaneously trying to ditch the airship that was still closely on their tail. Finally they landed. Aeris found herself and the two others strapped onto Fezzik's back, and suddenly they were climbing up a shiny golden wire she had not noticed before. The second airship landed next to theirs, and the dark figure got out. 

"He's too late!" cried Palmer. "Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way, and by the time he realizes that, the last ropeway car will have left North Corel!" 

As if to prove him wrong, the man dressed all in black ran to the wire, grabbed hold of it, and began climbing. And to add insult to injury, he quickly gained on them, cutting their lead by a little more each minute. 

"Hey-hey! How's he managing that? Go on, Fezzik, faster!" Palmer shouted impatiently. 

"I thought I _was_ going faster," replied Fezzik meekly. But his arms flew up the wire quicker than before. Still, the man in black was gaining. He had cut their lead in half. 

"He's still gaining," commented Tifa briefly, glancing down. 

"It doesn't matter. We've only got a hundred feet to go, and he has five times that," said Palmer. Still, he looked worried. 

Fifty feet. 

Twenty. 

Ten. 

It was over. They had reached the landing area of the Golden Saucer, still deserted in the early morning light. The man in black was still climbing up the ladder, with maybe three hundred feet left to climb. The wire stayed taut with his weight. Plamer pulled out a pair of wire cutters, and began to saw through the cable. Moments later, the wire slithered off the ledge, into the sand of the desert below. Palmer cackled, but Tifa shook her head. 

"I don't believe it....he's climbing," she said in awe. 

The man in black was indeed climbing. Apparently he had used the wire to swing onto the main body of the support pillar that held up the pods of the Golden Saucer, and was now inching up. 

"Hey-hey, he didn't fall? Then if he gets up here, Tifa, you finish him off. Quickly. Catch up with us later." Palmer ran into the station of the park. Fezzik picked up Aeris, tied hand and foot, and followed him. 

Tifa paced the ledge. She had never liked waiting, but she respected Palmer's orders. Palmer himself was an idiot, a pawn, but whoever gave _him _orders knew what they were doing, and so she followed those. But this waiting could probably be eliminated somehow.... 

She called down to the man in black. "Could you maybe hurry up?" 

"No. If you want to be helpful, though, you could toss me some rope or cord or something," answered the man, somewhat peevishly. 

"I could do that," she agreed. "We have some wire left over from the climb. But I don't think you'd accept my help, because I'm only waiting around to kill you." _Dammit_, she thought, realizing what she had said,_ I probably shouldn't have let that slip._

"That does put a damper on our relationship, then. I'm afraid you'll just have to wait." 

"I hate waiting," she muttered. "Isn't there _any_ way you'd trust me?" 

"Nothing comes to mind." 

Tifa raised her right hand. "I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, that you will reach the top alive." 

There was a long pause. "Throw me the wire," he finally responded. 

Tifa tossed down the wire, which was still secured in loops around a pole on the ledge. With her help, the man in black reached the ledge and pulled himself over. Noting the scabbard at her side, he reached for his own sword. "No, no, we'll wait until you're ready," Tifa assured him. He glanced at her. "Thank you," he replied, sitting down on a small bench. 

"Pardon me," said Tifa curiously, "but you don't happen to have six fingers on your right hand?" The man in black extended his right hand for inspection; it contained the correct number of fingers. "I'm sorry. It's just--my father was killed by a six fingered man." The man in black looked interested, and gestured for her to continue. "He was a great weapons-maker, my father was. One day, the six fingered man came in and asked for a sword, but not just any sword. A sword that would not only accommodate his special needs, but an incredibly long sword, and a sword worthy of legend. My father created it. He slaved a year before it was done. The six fingered man returned and demanded it--but at 1/10 the promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six fingered man slahed him through the heart." Tifa swallowed hard. "I loved my father. So naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. But I have studied fencing these past six years, and the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to him and say 'Hello. My name is Tifa Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'" Tifa broke out of her reverie, and laughed slightly, embarrased. 

The man in black stood up. "Well, I certainly hope you find him someday." 

"You are ready to duel, then?" 

"Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair." He drew from his scabbard a huge sword that looked more like an oversized cleaver than anything. Tifa did the same--and put the weapon in her left hand. Her sword was the one her father had made: slender and incredibly long, it was a deadly-looking weapon. Combined with her incredible fencing skills, she foresaw a short match. More than anything, she wanted it to be equal; she wanted a challenge. She noticed the man in black was left-handed, and she felt better, her weakness against his strength. They crossed swords. 

A/N: The next part will come very very soon! PROMISE! 


	3. The Chase

A/N: Part Three! I dunno how far this will take us, but we'll just wait and see. 

The battle began. Tifa swung the long piece of metal around, trying to draw blood from the man in black. He had immediately taken the defensive, dodging her expert blows with amazing speed. She was slightly startled after a few minutes of this, no one had survived her attacks this long for three years. It was an exhilarating experience. She flicked her blade through once, grazing his wrist. Surprised, the man in black reversed the battle, attacking her now with the huge blade. Tifa nimbly avoided his blows, but he was driving her back towards the ledge. 

Tifa was slightly nervous now. The man kept attacking, and she could block a hundred thrusts, but not the hundred and first. She could thwart fifty slashes, but the fifty-first came through. And now she was up against the low rail around the platform, trying not to slip and fall. 

"I admit it, you are better than I am!" she called out. 

"Then...why are you smiling?" 

Tifa was indeed grinning. "Because I know something you don't know." 

"And what is that?" 

"I am not left-handed." And with that she switched hands, and turned the tide of battle. 

The man in black retreated hurriedly at her sudden advance. Tifa's blade flashed in the rising sun, swishing with blinding quickness. Once again, the man was wounded, and he hastily ran towards the wall of the entrance, but Tifa drove him around and back, and the ledge was again a factor in the deadly fight. 

The man in black was at the ledge, bent backwards over the barrier. "There's something--I ought--to tell you," he grunted, trying with all his might to regain his footing. 

Tifa was smiling with the exhilaration of the coming victory, holding her blade at his throat. "And what's that?" 

The man shoved her back with a sudden burst of strength. "I'm not left-handed either." The mammoth blade switched hands, and the battle was finally joined. 

Tifa could hardly block the man in black's attacks. He kept coming! His blade flew, seemingly on its own, attacking her and pushing her back, back, as she did her best to avoid injury. With a final heave of the sword, the man in black disarmed her. 

Forcing her tears back, she dropped to the ground. "Kill me quickly." 

"I would as soon destroy the Planet as an artist as yourself. But, since I can't have you following me either..." He hit her over the head with the handle of his weapon, and she fell over, unconscious. "Please understand I hold in the highest regard." He ran off through the entrance, finding the trail Fezzik and Palmer had left, and running through the doorway labelled "Ghost Square." 

Palmer and Fezzik watched the man in black approaching from the graveyard of the Gohst Hotel. "He beat _Tifa!_ Hey-hey! He must be somethin' with the sword-thing!" Palmer exclaimed. "Look, Fezzik, finish him when he comes up here. _Your_ way." 

"Oh, thank you, Palmer," agreed Fezzik cheerfully. Then, after a moment's thought: "Which way is may way?" 

Palmer exhaled impatiently, and gestured to the ground. "Pick up one of those big rocks. When he comes out of the airtube, _hit him with the rock!"_

__"Right....it just doesn't seem very sportsmanlike, does it?" 

Palmer growled as deeply as his high-pitched voice allowed him to. "You think I care about sportsmanship?!? Kill the man in black!" He then pulled Aeris to her feet, and carried her further along the path, out of sight. 

Fezzik threw an experimental rock at a shadow fifty feet away. Swoosh. Dead center. So he readied his arm, and waited for the man in black to appear... 

The man in black was flung out of the airtube into the false graveyard. A rock smashed behind him, missing his head by mere inches, and a huge shadow emerged several yards away from behind a gravestone. "I did that on purpose; I didn't have to miss," it said. 

"I believe you," said the man in black. "So what now?" 

"We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, just skill against skill alone." 

"So.......you put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword, and we'll kill each other like civilized people?" The huge shadow nodded, moving into the light. It was an equally huge man. "I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting..." 

The giant shrugged. "I can't help being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise." 

The man in black nodded weakly, dropped his sword to the ground, and got into a fighting stance. 

A/N: Fight comes next chapter. Too tired to write the rest of this. - Desdemona 


	4. The Battle of the Wits

Body A/N: Let's get this thing back on track.... 

The two adversaries faced each other. Fezzik let the man in black take the first swing. He blocked it and rushed the man in black, grabbing him around the waist. He lifted up the man in black and squeezed until there was no life left in him. He then tossed the body aside. 

Well, that was the idea, anyhow. He never got past the grabbing part, actually. The man in black slipped through his hands and pulled out a green materia orb. "Sleepel!" he muttered, and before the giant could turn around, he was snoring on the ground of Ghost Square. 

"I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake," murmured the man in black, "but in the meanwhile, rest well and dream of large women." He left the giant lying there, and followed the footsteps along the path, to the gravestone marked "Event Square." 

Moments later, he flew out of the tube and landed in a large auditorium. He looked around. It was dark, and appeared to be deserted. Suddenly lights flashed on all around him. 

"Hey-hey...well, look who it is. The mysterious man in black." Palmer was seated at a table onstage, which was covered with a small tablecloth and contained a bottle of wine and two goblets. Next to him was a tied, gagged, and blindfolded Aeris. Across from him was an empty chair. He gestured for the man in black to sit down. 

"Don't make any sudden moves, now. I've got my Mako gun and I'll use it on her." The man in black nodded, and slid carefully into the empty chair. 

"So--what do we do now?" he asked. 

"Beats me," responded Palmer cheerfully. "I mean, you're a big strong guy, all brawn and no brains, so you _could_ kill me, but I'd still be smarter than you." A loud coughing noise came from Aeris's vicinity, muffled by her gag. Even the man in black looked skeptical. 

"If you say so," he said. He paused in thought for a moment. "Well...if you're so brilliant, then I don't suppose you'd object to a battle of the wits." 

Palmer's eyes sparkled. "For the Cetra?" The man in black nodded slowly. "_To the death?_" The man in black nodded again. "Hey-hey!! I accept!" He rubbed his hands together in excitement. 

"Good. Then pour the wine." The wine was poured, and the man in black pulled out a small, faintly glowing test tube from his cloak. He held it up so Palmer could see it. "Examine this, but do not touch." 

Palmer took the test tube and scrutinized it. "I see nothing except that it glows." He handed it back. 

"What you cannot see is concentrated Mako. It is odorless, tasteless, and invisible. It's also one of the deadliest poisons known to man. The concentration I have here will kill within three minutes." The man in black took the two wine goblets, and turned around. When he turned back, the test tube was no longer glowing. He placed the goblets on the table; one in front of Palmer, one in front of himself. 

"Where is the poison?" he said. "The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide, and we both drink...and find out who is right--and who is dead." 

Palmer looked stumped. "Ooh...this is a toughie. Think think think. Hummmm....Eeny, meeny, miney, moe!" He picked up the cup in front of the man in black and drained it. He looked around. "Oh good, I'm still alive! I win!" He started laughing maniacally. He was quite cheery until the Mako set in. 

The man in black untied Aeris, who looked up at him in awe. "And to think, all that time it was your glass that was poisoned." 

"They were both poisoned. I have an immunity to Mako." He pulled her roughly to her feet. 

"Who _are_ you?" she asked, trying to regain her balance. 

"I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know." 

* * * * * 

Prince Rufus was examining the landing area of the Gold Saucer. "There was a mighty duel," he said, retracing the footsteps that had been left in the soft dirt. 

His confidante and advisor, Count Sephiroth, spoke up. "Who won? How did it end?" 

"The loser rode off alone," responded Rufus, pointing the the Ropecar, "and the winner took that tube to Ghost Square." 

"Shall we track them both?" offered Sephiroth. 

"The loser means nothing," replied Rufus dismissively. "Only Aeris matters." 

* * * * * 

The man in black had pulled Aeris along to Battle Square, looking for a way out of the Gold Saucer. Aeris was out of breath and tired, so he stopped in one of the inner chambers. 

"Catch your breath," he told her. She sank onto the ground, next to a large machine. 

"I know who you are now. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread AVALANCHE Leader Roberts, admit it!" 

He bowed mockingly. "With pride. What can I do for you?" 

"You can die slowly, hit with every possible summon and spell until you're nothing more than a pile of used hit points." 

"Hardly complementary, my dear. Why loose your venom on me?" 

"_You killed my love_," she hissed. 

He nodded sagely. "It's possible. I kill a lot of people, but after all, once word leaks out that a terrorist's gone soft, it's nothing but work, work, work all the time." 

"You mock my pain!" 

"Life is pain, Cetra! Anyone who says differently is selling something." He voice softened slightly. "I remember this love of yours...this would be what, five years ago? I was destroying the Junon Underwater Reactor at the time....Does it hurt you to hear?" 

"Nothing you can say will hurt me." 

"He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts, or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please. Please, I need to live.' I asked him why, he went on to describe an Ancient of surpassing beauty and curative magic. I can only assume he meant _you_." He spat the word out. "You should be glad I killed him before he found out what you really are." 

"And what am I?" she cried. 

"Faithfulness, Aeris! He spoke of your _enduring_ faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was dead did you get engaged to your corporate prince within the same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?" 

Aeris's eyes burned with anger not usually seen in the gentle Cetra. "You mocked me once, never do it again! _I died that day._" 

The Dread AVALANCHE Leader Roberts put out a hand to hush her. He listened intently, picking up sounds of the approaching Prince Rufus and his party. Aeris, however, did not hear these. 

"You can die too for all I care," she whispered, and pulled a lever on the machine next to her. A piece of floor dropped out from beneath Roberts, and he fell into the Corel Desert Prison. 

From far away, she heard his saying warm, familiar words..."As...you...wish..." 

Aeris gasped. "Oh, my sweet Cloud! What have I done?" She threw herself into the dark pit after him. 

A/N: Here it is, part four. If you're familiar with the movie, you'll notice the last scene is basically intact...it's my favorite, and I didn't have the heart to change it much. Anyway, please review! Flames, as always, are welcome...I never get flamed and I feel so out of it. ::pout:: - Desdemona 


End file.
